Day 35: Tonight my relationship is weighing heavy on my mind. I've let her down so many times throughout the years. How do you make the person you love more than anyone understand that nothing you've done to her was ever personal? Meaning, that while I was lying, cheating, or stealing I never meant to hurt her. They say never trust an addict, never. That included me. It kills me everyday to think about all the pain, stress, and heartache she has endured as a result of my actions, as a result of my devils I fight with daily. It scares me that the damage I've done could be irreversible. She's become tired from it all and doesn't have the energy to fight with me anymore, she doesn't even bother to get mad. When I mess up, it's almost as if she expects it now, she's not the least bit surprised I fucked up again. I truly don't deserve her. She does nothing but work all the time, so the bills get paid, half the time having to pay the bills more than once cause I spent the money on gambling or drugs. I forgot to mention in my earlier post, I'm also a gambler. I'm not saying I have a slight gambling problem, no, it's bad. Throughout the years I've lost all our savings, our home, multiple vehicles.... now do you see why I have no self-worth? Worse part is I'm creating my problems, they are completely preventable if I would just learn from my mistakes. I'm a complete mess, with several addictions running my life and those around me lives into the ground. And through it all, she is still by my side. Her passion is gone though, I feel she stays with me for the sake of our children. She deserves to be happy, at her age she shouldn't have to be dealing with this bullshit. I'm making these life changes with hopes we can find that passion again and have many more years together. I will be completely lost without her if we don't make it through this journey together. Tomorrow I go back to work, it's been over three years since I've had an actual paycheck job. I am so excited and nervous at the same time. But I am so proud of myself that I am actually sticking with this and making it happen. My girlfriend is also proud of me, maybe this will be the first step in renewing her faith in me.
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