Day 54: Halting the Hustle

Day 54: I was told recently that I'm a quiet person. That even though I am present in the room I am often somewhere far away, deep within my own thoughts, oblivious to what is going on around me. Funny, in all my life I have never been described as a quiet person. I'm usually being teased about how I never stop talking and no one can get a word in edgewise. I've never been just " a person " in the room, I've always been "the person" in the room. The life of the party. In high school when they hand out the end of the year titles such as the most likely to succeed, class clown, most popular, I received the title of "fastest talker". I've always been great with people, working customer service positions In all my past jobs. But life experiences must really change a person. I feel changed all the way to the core of me. The job I work now requires very little, if any customer interaction. Really it has little or no interaction with anyone for that matter. And I absolutely love it. It's nice not having to waste energy on being fake, not having to force a smile. I really find me happiest when I'm alone now. I don't want to talk, I don't want to have to pretend to care about what the other person is saying, I don't want to have to look at another person face to face. I know this isn't normal, but I feel as if the day I handed over Matthew he took my soul with him. I know I have my other children and for their sake I continue to fake it when they are around. But it's becoming exhausting. That's why I like going to work now, don't have to fake anything and I can actually relax. The part I hate the most is hanging around people who have known me for a while and constantly ask me what's wrong, what am I thinking about when I drift away in thought. They refuse to believe me when I tell them nothing. But it's the truth. Their really isn't one single thing I can pin point as being wrong with me and when I drift away I really am thinking about nothing, cause that's where I'm most comfortable....nowhere, thinking of nothing. I mean how do you answer the question " whats wrong", when it seems that there's nothing right? If I really did allow myself to think about or talk about all the things that are causing me so much hurt and anger I would probably become a crazy person needing to be hospitalized. So I stick with the safer alternative, putting up a shield that not even I can penetrate.