Thursday, January 30, 2014
Day 30: Halting the Hustle
Day 30: I've become desperate to find some relief from this prison caused by my own depression. Trapped inside my head, tortured by my never-ending thoughts of self-destruction. Tonight my answer is DMT. I've never done it before, I am so nervous but excited. I pray this will help me see things differently and shine some light on my life. Well, here I go, we will see....
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Day 28: Halting the Hustle
Day 28: Love does not exist. Love to me is unconditional. It can see through all the bad at any given moment to find the good. If you love someone you will be there to enjoy the good times, but there's no getting rid of you during the bad times. You will know when the one you love says they want to be alone or to leave them alone, you will do the complete opposite. Even if this means you just sit there in silence. It means that when your love says mean and hurtful things, its only because she needs to be angry and knows you love her enough to look pass your own selfish feelings and hold her even closer when she's angry and hurting. If you really love her, you will never, I mean never walk away or shut her out. You never give up or let go till she walks away and doesn't come back. Some will say that's being a pussy, a push over. But no, that's love...unconditional love. Well, maybe just a fairy tale....cause this kind of love doesn't exist. I guess that's why I'm lonely cause my expectations from this grand word " Love" are to high and unrealistic.
As far as family goes, blood trumps all. At least it should. I wouldn't really know, my family turned their back on me long ago. Nonetheless, every holiday and birthday I still send a greeting telling them I love them. I never get a reply, even though it shows they seen the message. That has to be one of the most painful feelings I've experienced. But I will continue to reach out and be here if they ever do need me, cause that's my blood. Mom tried to warn me that love didn't exist, guess she's showing me now. Happy Birthday to me.
As far as family goes, blood trumps all. At least it should. I wouldn't really know, my family turned their back on me long ago. Nonetheless, every holiday and birthday I still send a greeting telling them I love them. I never get a reply, even though it shows they seen the message. That has to be one of the most painful feelings I've experienced. But I will continue to reach out and be here if they ever do need me, cause that's my blood. Mom tried to warn me that love didn't exist, guess she's showing me now. Happy Birthday to me.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Day 26: Halting the Hustle
Day 26: ( Random thought) Doesn't it make perfect sense that we would become addicted to anything that causes us pleasure, regardless of the pain that comes with it? I mean you take the good with the bad, right? Think about it... You have sex addicts, drug addicts, gambling addicts, gaming addicts, food addicts, love addicts the list goes on and on. So how can addiction really be considered an illness? I believe its human nature to want to do things that make you feel good, and in this thing called life nothing's perfect. All the addictions listed above provide pleasure, making them fun and desired by someone, lots of someone's. Given the option I believe that people would never stop doing them if they didn't go broke, risk going to jail, risk obesity, worry of pregnancy or stds. If they were able to enjoy these addiction forever just teetering on the brink of destruction but never cross over would it even be called addiction anymore or just humans enjoying life. I've always been told to live life to the fullest, you only get one chance, but then society and laws place so many rules on the things that are really fun telling us were addicts if we enjoy those things. So were forced to hide our addictions, making us feel ashamed of who we are, causing depression and worthlessness. So stop telling me to have fun, enjoy life....cause you don't really want to see that!
Day 25: Halting the Hustle
Day 25: I'm beginning to wonder why I even try. Even though I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, I still ended up in the position I was trying to avoid. In trouble with the law. Yep, I found out I currently have a warrant for my arrest.
I created my problem back in 2009 when I was driving without a license, no insurance, expired tag and when I did get pulled over I decided to add providing false information to an officer. Of course I went to jail that night, it was the first time I'd ever been to jail. My girlfriend bonded me out and at court I set up payment arrangements for my $1300 in tickets. I've been paying $50 a month since then. Last month I asked a friend who lives close to city hall to take my money and pay my fine. This wasn't out of the ordinary, he had taken care of it several times for me. But not last month. When my girlfriend went to pay my fines the other day, she was notified it wasn't paid last month and I currently have a warrant for my arrest. I'm sure you can understand on so many levels why this has me angry beyond words. I stopped selling drugs so that I would never have to worry about my kids not having me there. Now until this gets paid, I once again have to worry about that constantly. Not to mention, if you missed it in last blogs....I'm broke. So coming up with the $300 to pay this warrant is about as possible as winning a million dollars. Of course the friends says he's sorry and he's going to fix it, but knowing his situation, I don't seeing this getting resolved anytime soon. The worse part is I only had a balance of $250 left to have the fines paid off. As I've mentioned in the past, I'm beginning to question if friends really do exist. It seems the ones I trusted the most and never would have expected anything like this from are the ones that have screwed me the worse. Lord, a little help on this one, please......
I created my problem back in 2009 when I was driving without a license, no insurance, expired tag and when I did get pulled over I decided to add providing false information to an officer. Of course I went to jail that night, it was the first time I'd ever been to jail. My girlfriend bonded me out and at court I set up payment arrangements for my $1300 in tickets. I've been paying $50 a month since then. Last month I asked a friend who lives close to city hall to take my money and pay my fine. This wasn't out of the ordinary, he had taken care of it several times for me. But not last month. When my girlfriend went to pay my fines the other day, she was notified it wasn't paid last month and I currently have a warrant for my arrest. I'm sure you can understand on so many levels why this has me angry beyond words. I stopped selling drugs so that I would never have to worry about my kids not having me there. Now until this gets paid, I once again have to worry about that constantly. Not to mention, if you missed it in last blogs....I'm broke. So coming up with the $300 to pay this warrant is about as possible as winning a million dollars. Of course the friends says he's sorry and he's going to fix it, but knowing his situation, I don't seeing this getting resolved anytime soon. The worse part is I only had a balance of $250 left to have the fines paid off. As I've mentioned in the past, I'm beginning to question if friends really do exist. It seems the ones I trusted the most and never would have expected anything like this from are the ones that have screwed me the worse. Lord, a little help on this one, please......
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Day 23: Halting the Hustle
Day 23: This has to be the loneliest experience I have been through. I had several things happen or needed help with something and all the sudden there is no one there to help me. When I was selling drugs getting what I needed was never an issue. I would actually have my pick of who I wanted to choose that time. Now I'm lucky if I can find even one person who can help me. It's not that they just don't help me, they at least pretend to be busy or have previous engagements. Did drugs really always make me #1 on their priority list? The worse part is losing friends you REALLY thought were your bestest friends in the whole world. I had several friends that I loved as family, my kids even seen them as a blood relative. These friends shared the most intimate moments with me, but when the drugs were gone....so were they. It killed me, broke my heart. I began to question everything I ever knew about friends, people, family. I have always tried to live by the saying "treat others how you want to be treated", but so far it's not working out the way it's supposed to. I'm convinced I could kill myself tomorrow and my death would only affect about 5 people (if I'm lucky). That's just sad. If my life is only impacting 5 people is there really a need to go on? Yes, I have become suicidal. I have told several people that I am losing the will to live, they tell me I sold probably get some help. That's it. They don't check on me later, don't ask if I'm feeling any better. I mean shit, my girlfriend said, " I don't have time for this shit, I have to get to work." Really??? When I do see past customers (friends?), they treat me like I've betrayed them, left them high and dry. Almost as if, how dare I ask for their friendship when they can't ask me for drugs. Not to mention, I've come to realize its either drugs or no girlfriend. We haven't been doing drugs everyday anymore, but on the days were sober, she hates me and doesn't want me around anymore and then we get high and it's all better. So it's obvious long-term where that's going. I'm so lost and lonely. The only support I have comes from people who do drugs, not one person that's drug free is offering any help or support. I'm really not sure I'm going to be able to do this alone.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Day 20: Halting the Hustle
Day 20: I did it!! I feel like I should be standing on a pedestal, leaning forward allowing the medal to be placed around my neck. I officially made it one full day with no drugs and it wasn't to hard. And I'm still awake at midnight to write and tell about it. Well, as I smile, exiting the stage while doing my pageant wave with my medal around my neck, I'd like to thank everyone that has been there for me to help me through this difficult time. I actually look forward to many more days of feeling so accomplished.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Day 18: Halting the Hustle
Day 18: I am so excited, feeling a whole new high. It's a natural high, because I have finally found a beginning .....a starting point for my new life. I have begun the process of enrolling in online classes. Since I don't have a car, it's hard for me to get a job or go to actual college, so I'll just bring college to me. I figure this is going to be a long process and some days will be more difficult than others. If I were to go back to work, I am not sure how well it would even go because of the bad days. With online college I can go somewhat at my own pace, it also allows me the time I need to heal at home. I figure by the time I get me degree I will be over the hard part. I am still extremely overwhelmed at the financial aspect of my life, but I have my girlfriends help, so we will manage. That completely lost feeling I've been suffering from has diminished just a little bit and I can breathe a little easier today. I hate to fail, so I know I can do this as long as I continue to take it one day at a time.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Day:16 Halting the Hustle
Day 16: I'm becoming very overwhelmed with the amount of debt that is piling up so quickly. I mean what was I thinking? Did I think these bills were going to pay themselves? I'm so used to having money. I find myself carelessly spending it with no way to replace it. For nine years I've always been able to buy whatever I wanted, spend whatever I wanted, cause I knew as long as I had a sack at home or my re-up money, it would never be an issue. My depression has gotten to a whole new low. I'm even considering checking myself in somewhere. But realistically that's not really an option because who would take care of my son. Remember I don't have any family to help me. Slowly I'm sinking more and more, deeper and deeper into my own thoughts.....becoming Oblivious to what's going on around me. The worse part is, I am still doing the drug, causing me to sink even further into debt. I was reminded today how smoking a couple of times a day kept the diabetes away. For some reason as long as I smoked my blood sugar was good, blood pressure horrible but ehh you take the good with the bad. I've started to get shin sores again and I'm almost certain this blah, exhausted feeling is a result of bad blood sugar since I am only smoking an eighth of what I normally would. But due to the fact I don't have insurance I am unable to verify any of this. My girlfriend and I have just resorted to living among one another in silence mostly. I know this could be much much worse. I could be sitting in a little jail cell being forced to do this, their way. So I am trying to remember to also count my blessings. It's just, I knew this would be hard, but I'm beginning to doubt myself. Am I really strong enough to make this huge life change, at my age? Only time will tell and for now I will continue to take it one day at a time...that's the best I can offer.
Day 14: Halting the Hustle
Day 14: She told me there is no way we're going to make it through this. That I should begin making other plans for me and my children. She won't be used. Wow, who was being used? This is officially day two of have nothing for her to smoke. Day two and she's done with me. I knew it would happen but damn on day two. In the past when I would cry about my addiction, she would laugh at my weakness. She said no drug would ever control her, she wasn't addicted....she could quit anytime.
Last night I was weak. I got a little bit of stuff. I offered to share with her, but she was strong and said no. She took the opportunity to put me down and make me feel like a worthless junkie. It's ok, I deserve it right? But just like clockwork this morning, she woke me up telling me now I needed to get her high. I told her, "yep, I called that one." Treat me like a loser all night, but just fine with it this morning when you want it. She's grown quiet....I get scared when she starts humming her little tones to songs I've never even heard. It usually means this Is only going to get worse if i don't bow down and give in. Well, it's time to face the music.
Last night I was weak. I got a little bit of stuff. I offered to share with her, but she was strong and said no. She took the opportunity to put me down and make me feel like a worthless junkie. It's ok, I deserve it right? But just like clockwork this morning, she woke me up telling me now I needed to get her high. I told her, "yep, I called that one." Treat me like a loser all night, but just fine with it this morning when you want it. She's grown quiet....I get scared when she starts humming her little tones to songs I've never even heard. It usually means this Is only going to get worse if i don't bow down and give in. Well, it's time to face the music.
Day:10 Halting the Hustle
Day: 10 Wow, I was just slapped in the face with a reality check. My heart is in my throat. I am done!!! No second guessing, no second thought...I'm done. My ex dealer and his girlfriend were just arrested today, three hours ago to be exact. They were charged with a slew of charges, but the one that sticks in my head is the child endangerment. His girlfriend has two kids and one on the way, or should I say had two kids and one on the way. My Lord is watching out for me and is showing me all the signs. Now it's my responsibility to listen to him. There is no reason it shouldn't have been me. Thank you God above for being there for me and showing me the way. Let this be a lesson to me that he is never to busy for any problem, big or small.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Day 10: Halting the Hustle
Day 10: Why is it the reality of your decisions always seems to kick in a day late. I am not anymore ahead at this very moment then I was before I made the wrong choice yesterday. Actually, I'm a million times worse off. Ugh, the word addict is such a small word to describe such a HUGE problem. It was 11 years ago when I was snorting that first line off a picture framed with my daughters picture, in my parents living room. I was in my mid 20's and still young enough to pretend I knew what I was doing. I pretended not to be scared, but I was terrified. She knew I'd never done it, but it would be years later I would confess to never even hearing of it before. Yeah you could say I was a little sheltered as a kid. I'd always had a high level of energy, even received an award in high school for being such a fast talker. What I would give to have that natural energy back. I had fallen head over heals in love with her. She took my high energy level as me doing some kind of drug. She told me she was in love with me and wanted to share something with me. I told myself " well if she loves you, then this can't be that bad for you." For the record, this is not something I would give to anyone I love. I couldn't believe how fast everything was going, how easy everything seemed to be. Those lost, confused feelings I was experiencing constantly caused by the divorce I was going through, were suddenly gone. I felt nothing...it felt good. I wanted more, couldn't get enough. When I ask her why she ever showed me something so addictive, her response every time is, " how was I to know you would have such an addictive personality." It's just mind over matter, right? Well, this matter has defiantly taken over my mind.
Day 10: Caught up by the Hustle
Well it's 8 me 1 the devils. Sometimes we have to face our demons again to be reminded why we were fighting them in the first place. I let the fact I was broke and lonely get the best of me today. Where I defiantly see this as a step back, I won't let it keep me from continuing to move forward. Luckily, it was just as bad and stressful as it had been and I came to realize I wasn't really missing it at all. Don't get me wrong I miss the money and free drugs, but not everything that comes along with it. It's still been impossible for me to face a day completely sober and that became my main reason for selling it today. I've got to get my shit together, stop with all the excuses. I know I can do this. Fuck I've never let anything beat me before. Ahhh, I just want to fucking scream, why does this have to be so hard!!! Truth is I gave in way to easily to the temptation. I mean don't get me wrong I did think about it for a moment, but it was just a short moment. I texted a friend asking him if he was looking, he said yes. Then a couple of minutes later he texted me back saying, " wow, if that was a test, then I just failed miserably. I should not have said yes, cause I want you to succeed." I messaged him back saying, "it's all right, I had already failed."
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Day 9: Halting the Hustler
Day 9: Fuck, fuck fuck. I'm about to fail. Lord give me the strength to resist temptation.....
Day 9: Halting the Hustle
Day 9: So I'm sitting here a little blue today. I want to be high and I don't see my mood improving till I am. I would suspect that most can tell from my writings I'm one smart cookie. I carried straight A's almost all the way through to graduation. I'm the type of person that can do anything to at least 95% or better that I put my mind to. I love having a job and working. I know going back to work would make this so much easier. I wish I wouldn't have sold my car, cause now I sit here stuck. My chest is feeling heavy right now, tears are starting to collect in my eyes. I want one of two choices. I want to be able to rewind back to before all the drugs or be able to fast forward to the part where it's easier and my life is starting to come together. Even if I'm only allowed to be there for a couple of minutes I would be able to see that it is in fact going to get better. I need a miracle, aren't I allowed to catch a break a couple of times in my lifetime. I need someone to just show up and say, here's a car and a job......show me how bad you want it. Yeah, only in my dreams. I know I'm asking for things to be handed to me, I'm looking for an easy fix. But dammit I'm to tired and drained to have to work hard at anything right now. I've never, ever been the type of person to ask for hand outs, I've always been the one giving. So isn't it alright to ask for help when it matters most and it's for the right reasons.
Day 8: Halting the Hustle
Day 8: I spent most the day sleeping. Today was the first day I didn't have any " business" calls. I failed miserably at staying sober today. But I didn't spend any money on it ( cause I don't have any money), nor did I do any business. I guess it's my dealers way of pretending to be nice, when I know he's just trying to reel me back in. Either way, I'm an addict so I accepted it. I was even nice enough to bring it home and split it with my girlfriend. I look at it as weaning ourselves off. Whatever I have to tell myself to feel better about it, right? I did make the most out of the meeting, offered him my scales and baggies. Since I won't be needing them anymore. He tried to tell me what cheap deals he was getting and the kind of price break he could offer me, but I refused to let him tell me. No need for me to know. I know I need to stop associating with these people if I'm going to be successful, but it's hard. I don't have a support team on the other side of the fence and I'm not prepared to be completely alone. I do have one friend that is also quitting with me, she's been more successful than I have. We are going to attend an NA meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll make some new friends there to help me with this journey.
Day 7:Halting the Hustle
I know I'm not the first person to go through this, certainly won't be the last. But my head has so much going on in it that I thought it would help to write about my everyday struggles as I began this journey. Cause if I can reach even just one person going through the same thing and let them see their not alone, than it will be worth it.
I am a drug dealer/ drug addict. Well, ex drug dealer. I have made the choice that it's time to quit. I am going to be writing raw random thoughts and emotions, because if I keep it all bottled up its sure to get ugly. The things I write are a direct reflection on my feelings and only my feelings, but I am sure others will be able to relate. This is my journey to halting the hustle.....
It's been 7 days. Only 7 days, is it ever going to feel normal. Wish I could fast-forward to see the benefits of my choice. I chose to quit doing this, I wasn't forced into doing it. I knew it was time, for the sake of my family. Selling is all I've known for the best 9 years. It's not quitting the drug that's getting to me, it the selling. It was my reason for getting out of bed everyday, it gave me purpose. Being able to have money in my pocket at all times to buy whatever I wanted for me and my kids. Not having to ask for money
every time I needed to buy something. My home phone ringing and being blown up by text messages....people needed me, I was considered one of the most important people in their life. Now it's quiet. I wake up and grab my iPad, no missed messages....nothing on the caller I.D. Now the only ones needing me are my kids, but for what....I don't have anything to offer them. No money, no car to take them anywhere and no energy to do things with them. I have nothing. I am nothing. So why again did I need to wake up? The few people still around offering me support, saying " it will get easier, you can do it", are making me crazy. They have no idea. They can't promise me that, they've never been through this before. So what if they are wrong? Where do I go from here? I know it sounds like an excuse to continue to be a drug addict, but this would be easier to do high and with money in my pocket. Ok, I've got an idea....instead of jail for first time accused drug dealers, they give us $20 a day and .20 a day for the first 30 days, then $10/.10 the second month. If caught selling within this time period you would be found guilty and imprisoned. Thus allowing the drug dealer time to change their life direction one addiction at time. Ok, maybe that's a stupid idea, but there's got to be something offered to increase my success rate. I mean, I am trying to fight over three addictions at the same time right now...three devils! I am realistic, my success rate is extremely low. I've heard that quitting is like losing a family member. I guess that is why I just feel like staying in bed and crying. Sad part is, it's only been 7 days and I'm already completely falling apart. I am to weak for this. So far thinking of a day without my little boy, the thought of him lonely and scared in foster care has been enough for me to keep pushing towards this life change. But then I start thinking about how the police have 7 years to file charges on me and what if something comes up and bites me, and regardless of my life changes I still get arrested and my boy still ends up lonely and without me. Will this choice really be a fix, will it really still offer my children a better future? Or is the damage already done? They say education, knowledge is power. Without answers to my questions, I am powerless. So far I've described the physical things I'm losing, well, it doesn't even compare to the emotional side of it. The first couple days the peacefulness was welcomed. The weight that had been lifted off my shoulders felt good, great even! But now the loneliness, depression, lack of self-worth is setting in. It out weighs the peacefulness. Who am I now? The past 9 years I've wasted being a "drug dealer", doing nothing to better myself or those around me. Now I have no clue where to even start... No clue. At my age I should be something, a professional of some sort, deep in my career, setting up for my future. But no, I'm nowhere, not even at the beginning of my journey.....cause I don't even know where to start. If this doesn't make any person feel completely worthless, wanting to just die, I don't know what will. For those of you wondering, the answer is yes. I have asked The Lord to help me stay strong and help me get through this. I know he has never given me more than I could handle, so why would he start now. It's easier said then done. Remember, I am fighting three or more devils right now. God is a very busy man, helping a lot people with much bigger problems then mine. After all, I am the one to blame for my problems, I created them myself. I chose to be worthless. Why is something so easy to do, so hard to quit? They say, " Are you still doing good"? I laugh and say, yeah sure if that's what you wanna call it....doesn't feel good to me, it feels like hell! Guess that's why it only makes sense that I reference my addictions to devils. Cause I am in hell. Ok, I got another good idea to help with my success rate. Why not have rehabilitation programs for drug dealers. The program would offer rides to work, on the job training, or free college to the career of your choice. You would have to agree to be successful at whatever you choose to do or pay back the money lost due to you failing in cash or jail time. If given all the tools to succeed, there would be no excuse to fail. This would defiantly make me successful, it would help the physical and emotional side effects of quitting. Without the feeling of personal success, what do I have? This would be so much easier if I had family that I was afraid of disappointing or cheering me on for the good decisions I'm making, but I don't. They turned their backs on me long ago, they could care less whether my kids are in foster care or with me. How do you find value in your existence, when no one else does? What is my motivator to live life to the fullest, to want great things for myself and my children? What difference would it make? No answers, I'm powerless. I know it's ridiculous to ask society to help me with a problem I created on my own. But with overcrowding in jails and so many people not doing anything to contribute, wouldn't this be a cheaper more productive fix in the long run. Crime will never stop or even get better as long as so many people feel helpless and alone in trying to change. I mean one bad decision resulting in a felony will scar you for the rest of your life, making it impossible to have a successful future. So can you blame the felon for continuing to do things that got him there in the first place. Society basically says once a loser always a loser. In doing this, jail is doing nothing to rehabilitate anyone. I have a friend who spent all her time in jail furthering her education, gaining several certifications. For what? She's a felon, nobodies even willing to interview her. What a waste of her time. So why not create something that helps the drug dealer before it gets that far? Please, I wish there was someone to beg to for help. I'm scared, hopeless, powerless....I need help.
My reason for writing this is no more than a release, because keeping it bottled up inside is sure to be even more destructive. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the right choice. So please don't take me wrong and take this as me second guessing my decision or regretting it. I know everyone is right. I also know that with every passing day my writings will begin to reflect the positive outcomes of removing these devils from my life. Being only 7 days in, I know this is definitely going to get worse before it gets better. I will just continue to pray for strength and continue venting through the story of my journey to share with whomever finds comfort and understanding in it.
It's 4am and I'm still awake watching T.V. I know eventually tomorrow will come regardless if I sleep or not. But it doesn't change the fact I'm scared. I've always said I was more addicted to the money then the drug, guess we will soon find out. We loaded the last of our back up supply and tomorrow we will start with nothing. She has to work all day, I can sleep. I've been trying to convince myself it won't be that bad, but I know better. We've tried this before and it has never gone well. It's one thing to quit selling, but to have two drug addicts in the same house, quitting at the same time is usually a disaster. Is it really fair of me to ask her to quit? She works over 60 hours a week, she's older and trying to keep up with a 4-year-old. Is it selfish of me? I have it easy, if I want I can just lay around and do nothing all day. At least till I feel somewhat better. But she can't, she has to make sure bills get paid, so that we all can be taken care of. We both know we can not afford the habit and the only way for us to be able to pay for our habit is for me to sell it. So for this all to end we must both stop. The fighting is so bad when we stop, I hope we make it through this. We have made it through everything. Things most couples wouldn't even imagine continuing on together after. As a friend once said to me, " will this be the mountain we won't be able to climb over together"? This time we approached the choice a little differently. We communicated what we were going to do, how we were going to do it and were doing it. I also shared what I've been writing with her, allowing her to see how important this is to me. So maybe this time it will be different, maybe. It was my choice to quit though, I kind of threw it on her.....told her it was me or drugs. She of course chose me...today. We will see what tomorrow brings. Which leaves me even more scared. Selling drugs to feed our habit gave me security. As a drug addict you will put up with a lot of bullshit if it means you'll stay high everyday. I'm a horrible house wife and I don't have a job. One of my favorite sayings is " I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing". Which leaves me very little to offer in a relationship, now I have even less to offer. I know given a choice, I wouldn't keep me around. There was a time in my life when I felt like I was going to be something great. I could do anything I put my mind to. That was until Matthew.
My drug dealer had asked me to let his driver stay at my house because it had grown to cold for him to continue sleeping in the garage. One early morning, with my son sleeping next to me in the bed, I woke to being sexually assaulted by this guy. He could tell by my reaction when I woke, he had messed up real bad. He started apologizing as he grabbed his pants and ran out my house. I never seen that sorry SOB again. Who knew that morning would strip me of every bit of self-worth I had.
I delivered a beautiful little boy 8 months later and he was adopted by a wonderful lesbian couple. His name is Matthew. I knew there was no way I could care for another infant, nor did he deserve to have a drug addict/dealer for a mother. Never in a million years could I have prepared myself for how bad this was going to hurt then and forever. Never! What kind of mother gives her baby away? How dare I keep three and not keep him! I can not be human. He was mine, with my blood running through him. He listened to my heart beating, my voice talking everyday for 8 months and then I was gone. He was gone. Since that day I feel as if I've been just going through the motions. Nobody can possibly understand that is really takes every bit of my strength just to open my eyes and get out of bed everyday. I no longer feel worthy of this life I live, I don't even feel as if I deserve the kids I have when I'm willing to just give them away. The drugs and the constant go-go of dealing helped me not think about the pain of losing Matthew. I miss him so bad and pray for his forgiveness everyday. I can only imagine what my oldest children must think of me. I'm not sure quitting drugs and dealing will be able to give me back my self-worth back. I'm so afraid I lost it the day I gave away my baby.
My daughter said it best tonight, " if you're trying to fail and you succeed, did you fail or succeed?"
I am a drug dealer/ drug addict. Well, ex drug dealer. I have made the choice that it's time to quit. I am going to be writing raw random thoughts and emotions, because if I keep it all bottled up its sure to get ugly. The things I write are a direct reflection on my feelings and only my feelings, but I am sure others will be able to relate. This is my journey to halting the hustle.....
It's been 7 days. Only 7 days, is it ever going to feel normal. Wish I could fast-forward to see the benefits of my choice. I chose to quit doing this, I wasn't forced into doing it. I knew it was time, for the sake of my family. Selling is all I've known for the best 9 years. It's not quitting the drug that's getting to me, it the selling. It was my reason for getting out of bed everyday, it gave me purpose. Being able to have money in my pocket at all times to buy whatever I wanted for me and my kids. Not having to ask for money
every time I needed to buy something. My home phone ringing and being blown up by text messages....people needed me, I was considered one of the most important people in their life. Now it's quiet. I wake up and grab my iPad, no missed messages....nothing on the caller I.D. Now the only ones needing me are my kids, but for what....I don't have anything to offer them. No money, no car to take them anywhere and no energy to do things with them. I have nothing. I am nothing. So why again did I need to wake up? The few people still around offering me support, saying " it will get easier, you can do it", are making me crazy. They have no idea. They can't promise me that, they've never been through this before. So what if they are wrong? Where do I go from here? I know it sounds like an excuse to continue to be a drug addict, but this would be easier to do high and with money in my pocket. Ok, I've got an idea....instead of jail for first time accused drug dealers, they give us $20 a day and .20 a day for the first 30 days, then $10/.10 the second month. If caught selling within this time period you would be found guilty and imprisoned. Thus allowing the drug dealer time to change their life direction one addiction at time. Ok, maybe that's a stupid idea, but there's got to be something offered to increase my success rate. I mean, I am trying to fight over three addictions at the same time right now...three devils! I am realistic, my success rate is extremely low. I've heard that quitting is like losing a family member. I guess that is why I just feel like staying in bed and crying. Sad part is, it's only been 7 days and I'm already completely falling apart. I am to weak for this. So far thinking of a day without my little boy, the thought of him lonely and scared in foster care has been enough for me to keep pushing towards this life change. But then I start thinking about how the police have 7 years to file charges on me and what if something comes up and bites me, and regardless of my life changes I still get arrested and my boy still ends up lonely and without me. Will this choice really be a fix, will it really still offer my children a better future? Or is the damage already done? They say education, knowledge is power. Without answers to my questions, I am powerless. So far I've described the physical things I'm losing, well, it doesn't even compare to the emotional side of it. The first couple days the peacefulness was welcomed. The weight that had been lifted off my shoulders felt good, great even! But now the loneliness, depression, lack of self-worth is setting in. It out weighs the peacefulness. Who am I now? The past 9 years I've wasted being a "drug dealer", doing nothing to better myself or those around me. Now I have no clue where to even start... No clue. At my age I should be something, a professional of some sort, deep in my career, setting up for my future. But no, I'm nowhere, not even at the beginning of my journey.....cause I don't even know where to start. If this doesn't make any person feel completely worthless, wanting to just die, I don't know what will. For those of you wondering, the answer is yes. I have asked The Lord to help me stay strong and help me get through this. I know he has never given me more than I could handle, so why would he start now. It's easier said then done. Remember, I am fighting three or more devils right now. God is a very busy man, helping a lot people with much bigger problems then mine. After all, I am the one to blame for my problems, I created them myself. I chose to be worthless. Why is something so easy to do, so hard to quit? They say, " Are you still doing good"? I laugh and say, yeah sure if that's what you wanna call it....doesn't feel good to me, it feels like hell! Guess that's why it only makes sense that I reference my addictions to devils. Cause I am in hell. Ok, I got another good idea to help with my success rate. Why not have rehabilitation programs for drug dealers. The program would offer rides to work, on the job training, or free college to the career of your choice. You would have to agree to be successful at whatever you choose to do or pay back the money lost due to you failing in cash or jail time. If given all the tools to succeed, there would be no excuse to fail. This would defiantly make me successful, it would help the physical and emotional side effects of quitting. Without the feeling of personal success, what do I have? This would be so much easier if I had family that I was afraid of disappointing or cheering me on for the good decisions I'm making, but I don't. They turned their backs on me long ago, they could care less whether my kids are in foster care or with me. How do you find value in your existence, when no one else does? What is my motivator to live life to the fullest, to want great things for myself and my children? What difference would it make? No answers, I'm powerless. I know it's ridiculous to ask society to help me with a problem I created on my own. But with overcrowding in jails and so many people not doing anything to contribute, wouldn't this be a cheaper more productive fix in the long run. Crime will never stop or even get better as long as so many people feel helpless and alone in trying to change. I mean one bad decision resulting in a felony will scar you for the rest of your life, making it impossible to have a successful future. So can you blame the felon for continuing to do things that got him there in the first place. Society basically says once a loser always a loser. In doing this, jail is doing nothing to rehabilitate anyone. I have a friend who spent all her time in jail furthering her education, gaining several certifications. For what? She's a felon, nobodies even willing to interview her. What a waste of her time. So why not create something that helps the drug dealer before it gets that far? Please, I wish there was someone to beg to for help. I'm scared, hopeless, powerless....I need help.
My reason for writing this is no more than a release, because keeping it bottled up inside is sure to be even more destructive. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the right choice. So please don't take me wrong and take this as me second guessing my decision or regretting it. I know everyone is right. I also know that with every passing day my writings will begin to reflect the positive outcomes of removing these devils from my life. Being only 7 days in, I know this is definitely going to get worse before it gets better. I will just continue to pray for strength and continue venting through the story of my journey to share with whomever finds comfort and understanding in it.
It's 4am and I'm still awake watching T.V. I know eventually tomorrow will come regardless if I sleep or not. But it doesn't change the fact I'm scared. I've always said I was more addicted to the money then the drug, guess we will soon find out. We loaded the last of our back up supply and tomorrow we will start with nothing. She has to work all day, I can sleep. I've been trying to convince myself it won't be that bad, but I know better. We've tried this before and it has never gone well. It's one thing to quit selling, but to have two drug addicts in the same house, quitting at the same time is usually a disaster. Is it really fair of me to ask her to quit? She works over 60 hours a week, she's older and trying to keep up with a 4-year-old. Is it selfish of me? I have it easy, if I want I can just lay around and do nothing all day. At least till I feel somewhat better. But she can't, she has to make sure bills get paid, so that we all can be taken care of. We both know we can not afford the habit and the only way for us to be able to pay for our habit is for me to sell it. So for this all to end we must both stop. The fighting is so bad when we stop, I hope we make it through this. We have made it through everything. Things most couples wouldn't even imagine continuing on together after. As a friend once said to me, " will this be the mountain we won't be able to climb over together"? This time we approached the choice a little differently. We communicated what we were going to do, how we were going to do it and were doing it. I also shared what I've been writing with her, allowing her to see how important this is to me. So maybe this time it will be different, maybe. It was my choice to quit though, I kind of threw it on her.....told her it was me or drugs. She of course chose me...today. We will see what tomorrow brings. Which leaves me even more scared. Selling drugs to feed our habit gave me security. As a drug addict you will put up with a lot of bullshit if it means you'll stay high everyday. I'm a horrible house wife and I don't have a job. One of my favorite sayings is " I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing". Which leaves me very little to offer in a relationship, now I have even less to offer. I know given a choice, I wouldn't keep me around. There was a time in my life when I felt like I was going to be something great. I could do anything I put my mind to. That was until Matthew.
My drug dealer had asked me to let his driver stay at my house because it had grown to cold for him to continue sleeping in the garage. One early morning, with my son sleeping next to me in the bed, I woke to being sexually assaulted by this guy. He could tell by my reaction when I woke, he had messed up real bad. He started apologizing as he grabbed his pants and ran out my house. I never seen that sorry SOB again. Who knew that morning would strip me of every bit of self-worth I had.
I delivered a beautiful little boy 8 months later and he was adopted by a wonderful lesbian couple. His name is Matthew. I knew there was no way I could care for another infant, nor did he deserve to have a drug addict/dealer for a mother. Never in a million years could I have prepared myself for how bad this was going to hurt then and forever. Never! What kind of mother gives her baby away? How dare I keep three and not keep him! I can not be human. He was mine, with my blood running through him. He listened to my heart beating, my voice talking everyday for 8 months and then I was gone. He was gone. Since that day I feel as if I've been just going through the motions. Nobody can possibly understand that is really takes every bit of my strength just to open my eyes and get out of bed everyday. I no longer feel worthy of this life I live, I don't even feel as if I deserve the kids I have when I'm willing to just give them away. The drugs and the constant go-go of dealing helped me not think about the pain of losing Matthew. I miss him so bad and pray for his forgiveness everyday. I can only imagine what my oldest children must think of me. I'm not sure quitting drugs and dealing will be able to give me back my self-worth back. I'm so afraid I lost it the day I gave away my baby.
My daughter said it best tonight, " if you're trying to fail and you succeed, did you fail or succeed?"
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