Day 23: Halting the Hustle

Day 23: This has to be the loneliest experience I have been through. I had several things happen or needed help with something and all the sudden there is no one there to help me. When I was selling drugs getting what I needed was never an issue. I would actually have my pick of who I wanted to choose that time. Now I'm lucky if I can find even one person who can help me. It's not that they just don't help me, they at least pretend to be busy or have previous engagements. Did drugs really always make me #1 on their priority list? The worse part is losing friends you REALLY thought were your bestest friends in the whole world. I had several friends that I loved as family, my kids even seen them as a blood relative. These friends shared the most intimate moments with me, but when the drugs were gone....so were they. It killed me, broke my heart. I began to question everything I ever knew about friends, people, family. I have always tried to live by the saying "treat others how you want to be treated", but so far it's not working out the way it's supposed to. I'm convinced I could kill myself tomorrow and my death would only affect about 5 people (if I'm lucky). That's just sad. If my life is only impacting 5 people is there really a need to go on? Yes, I have become suicidal. I have told several people that I am losing the will to live, they tell me I sold probably get some help. That's it. They don't check on me later, don't ask if I'm feeling any better. I mean shit, my girlfriend said, " I don't have time for this shit, I have to get to work." Really??? When I do see past customers (friends?), they treat me like I've betrayed them, left them high and dry. Almost as if, how dare I ask for their friendship when they can't ask me for drugs. Not to mention, I've come to realize its either drugs or no girlfriend. We haven't been doing drugs everyday anymore, but on the days were sober, she hates me and doesn't want me around anymore and then we get high and it's all better. So it's obvious long-term where that's going. I'm so lost and lonely. The only support I have comes from people who do drugs, not one person that's drug free is offering any help or support. I'm really not sure I'm going to be able to do this alone.