I know I'm not the first person to go through this, certainly won't be the last. But my head has so much going on in it that I thought it would help to write about my everyday struggles as I began this journey. Cause if I can reach even just one person going through the same thing and let them see their not alone, than it will be worth it.
I am a drug dealer/ drug addict. Well, ex drug dealer. I have made the choice that it's time to quit. I am going to be writing raw random thoughts and emotions, because if I keep it all bottled up its sure to get ugly. The things I write are a direct reflection on my feelings and only my feelings, but I am sure others will be able to relate. This is my journey to halting the hustle.....
It's been 7 days. Only 7 days, is it ever going to feel normal. Wish I could fast-forward to see the benefits of my choice. I chose to quit doing this, I wasn't forced into doing it. I knew it was time, for the sake of my family. Selling is all I've known for the best 9 years. It's not quitting the drug that's getting to me, it the selling. It was my reason for getting out of bed everyday, it gave me purpose. Being able to have money in my pocket at all times to buy whatever I wanted for me and my kids. Not having to ask for money
every time I needed to buy something. My home phone ringing and being blown up by text messages....people needed me, I was considered one of the most important people in their life. Now it's quiet. I wake up and grab my iPad, no missed messages....nothing on the caller I.D. Now the only ones needing me are my kids, but for what....I don't have anything to offer them. No money, no car to take them anywhere and no energy to do things with them. I have nothing. I am nothing. So why again did I need to wake up? The few people still around offering me support, saying " it will get easier, you can do it", are making me crazy. They have no idea. They can't promise me that, they've never been through this before. So what if they are wrong? Where do I go from here? I know it sounds like an excuse to continue to be a drug addict, but this would be easier to do high and with money in my pocket. Ok, I've got an idea....instead of jail for first time accused drug dealers, they give us $20 a day and .20 a day for the first 30 days, then $10/.10 the second month. If caught selling within this time period you would be found guilty and imprisoned. Thus allowing the drug dealer time to change their life direction one addiction at time. Ok, maybe that's a stupid idea, but there's got to be something offered to increase my success rate. I mean, I am trying to fight over three addictions at the same time right now...three devils! I am realistic, my success rate is extremely low. I've heard that quitting is like losing a family member. I guess that is why I just feel like staying in bed and crying. Sad part is, it's only been 7 days and I'm already completely falling apart. I am to weak for this. So far thinking of a day without my little boy, the thought of him lonely and scared in foster care has been enough for me to keep pushing towards this life change. But then I start thinking about how the police have 7 years to file charges on me and what if something comes up and bites me, and regardless of my life changes I still get arrested and my boy still ends up lonely and without me. Will this choice really be a fix, will it really still offer my children a better future? Or is the damage already done? They say education, knowledge is power. Without answers to my questions, I am powerless. So far I've described the physical things I'm losing, well, it doesn't even compare to the emotional side of it. The first couple days the peacefulness was welcomed. The weight that had been lifted off my shoulders felt good, great even! But now the loneliness, depression, lack of self-worth is setting in. It out weighs the peacefulness. Who am I now? The past 9 years I've wasted being a "drug dealer", doing nothing to better myself or those around me. Now I have no clue where to even start... No clue. At my age I should be something, a professional of some sort, deep in my career, setting up for my future. But no, I'm nowhere, not even at the beginning of my journey.....cause I don't even know where to start. If this doesn't make any person feel completely worthless, wanting to just die, I don't know what will. For those of you wondering, the answer is yes. I have asked The Lord to help me stay strong and help me get through this. I know he has never given me more than I could handle, so why would he start now. It's easier said then done. Remember, I am fighting three or more devils right now. God is a very busy man, helping a lot people with much bigger problems then mine. After all, I am the one to blame for my problems, I created them myself. I chose to be worthless. Why is something so easy to do, so hard to quit? They say, " Are you still doing good"? I laugh and say, yeah sure if that's what you wanna call it....doesn't feel good to me, it feels like hell! Guess that's why it only makes sense that I reference my addictions to devils. Cause I am in hell. Ok, I got another good idea to help with my success rate. Why not have rehabilitation programs for drug dealers. The program would offer rides to work, on the job training, or free college to the career of your choice. You would have to agree to be successful at whatever you choose to do or pay back the money lost due to you failing in cash or jail time. If given all the tools to succeed, there would be no excuse to fail. This would defiantly make me successful, it would help the physical and emotional side effects of quitting. Without the feeling of personal success, what do I have? This would be so much easier if I had family that I was afraid of disappointing or cheering me on for the good decisions I'm making, but I don't. They turned their backs on me long ago, they could care less whether my kids are in foster care or with me. How do you find value in your existence, when no one else does? What is my motivator to live life to the fullest, to want great things for myself and my children? What difference would it make? No answers, I'm powerless. I know it's ridiculous to ask society to help me with a problem I created on my own. But with overcrowding in jails and so many people not doing anything to contribute, wouldn't this be a cheaper more productive fix in the long run. Crime will never stop or even get better as long as so many people feel helpless and alone in trying to change. I mean one bad decision resulting in a felony will scar you for the rest of your life, making it impossible to have a successful future. So can you blame the felon for continuing to do things that got him there in the first place. Society basically says once a loser always a loser. In doing this, jail is doing nothing to rehabilitate anyone. I have a friend who spent all her time in jail furthering her education, gaining several certifications. For what? She's a felon, nobodies even willing to interview her. What a waste of her time. So why not create something that helps the drug dealer before it gets that far? Please, I wish there was someone to beg to for help. I'm scared, hopeless, powerless....I need help.
My reason for writing this is no more than a release, because keeping it bottled up inside is sure to be even more destructive. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the right choice. So please don't take me wrong and take this as me second guessing my decision or regretting it. I know everyone is right. I also know that with every passing day my writings will begin to reflect the positive outcomes of removing these devils from my life. Being only 7 days in, I know this is definitely going to get worse before it gets better. I will just continue to pray for strength and continue venting through the story of my journey to share with whomever finds comfort and understanding in it.
It's 4am and I'm still awake watching T.V. I know eventually tomorrow will come regardless if I sleep or not. But it doesn't change the fact I'm scared. I've always said I was more addicted to the money then the drug, guess we will soon find out. We loaded the last of our back up supply and tomorrow we will start with nothing. She has to work all day, I can sleep. I've been trying to convince myself it won't be that bad, but I know better. We've tried this before and it has never gone well. It's one thing to quit selling, but to have two drug addicts in the same house, quitting at the same time is usually a disaster. Is it really fair of me to ask her to quit? She works over 60 hours a week, she's older and trying to keep up with a 4-year-old. Is it selfish of me? I have it easy, if I want I can just lay around and do nothing all day. At least till I feel somewhat better. But she can't, she has to make sure bills get paid, so that we all can be taken care of. We both know we can not afford the habit and the only way for us to be able to pay for our habit is for me to sell it. So for this all to end we must both stop. The fighting is so bad when we stop, I hope we make it through this. We have made it through everything. Things most couples wouldn't even imagine continuing on together after. As a friend once said to me, " will this be the mountain we won't be able to climb over together"? This time we approached the choice a little differently. We communicated what we were going to do, how we were going to do it and were doing it. I also shared what I've been writing with her, allowing her to see how important this is to me. So maybe this time it will be different, maybe. It was my choice to quit though, I kind of threw it on her.....told her it was me or drugs. She of course chose me...today. We will see what tomorrow brings. Which leaves me even more scared. Selling drugs to feed our habit gave me security. As a drug addict you will put up with a lot of bullshit if it means you'll stay high everyday. I'm a horrible house wife and I don't have a job. One of my favorite sayings is " I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing". Which leaves me very little to offer in a relationship, now I have even less to offer. I know given a choice, I wouldn't keep me around. There was a time in my life when I felt like I was going to be something great. I could do anything I put my mind to. That was until Matthew.
My drug dealer had asked me to let his driver stay at my house because it had grown to cold for him to continue sleeping in the garage. One early morning, with my son sleeping next to me in the bed, I woke to being sexually assaulted by this guy. He could tell by my reaction when I woke, he had messed up real bad. He started apologizing as he grabbed his pants and ran out my house. I never seen that sorry SOB again. Who knew that morning would strip me of every bit of self-worth I had.
I delivered a beautiful little boy 8 months later and he was adopted by a wonderful lesbian couple. His name is Matthew. I knew there was no way I could care for another infant, nor did he deserve to have a drug addict/dealer for a mother. Never in a million years could I have prepared myself for how bad this was going to hurt then and forever. Never! What kind of mother gives her baby away? How dare I keep three and not keep him! I can not be human. He was mine, with my blood running through him. He listened to my heart beating, my voice talking everyday for 8 months and then I was gone. He was gone. Since that day I feel as if I've been just going through the motions. Nobody can possibly understand that is really takes every bit of my strength just to open my eyes and get out of bed everyday. I no longer feel worthy of this life I live, I don't even feel as if I deserve the kids I have when I'm willing to just give them away. The drugs and the constant go-go of dealing helped me not think about the pain of losing Matthew. I miss him so bad and pray for his forgiveness everyday. I can only imagine what my oldest children must think of me. I'm not sure quitting drugs and dealing will be able to give me back my self-worth back. I'm so afraid I lost it the day I gave away my baby.
My daughter said it best tonight, " if you're trying to fail and you succeed, did you fail or succeed?"
Wow! Just wow!
ReplyDelete