Day:16 Halting the Hustle

Day 16: I'm becoming very overwhelmed with the amount of debt that is piling up so quickly. I mean what was I thinking? Did I think these bills were going to pay themselves? I'm so used to having money. I find myself carelessly spending it with no way to replace it. For nine years I've always been able to buy whatever I wanted, spend whatever I wanted, cause I knew as long as I had a sack at home or my re-up money, it would never be an issue. My depression has gotten to a whole new low. I'm even considering checking myself in somewhere. But realistically that's not really an option because who would take care of my son. Remember I don't have any family to help me. Slowly I'm sinking more and more, deeper and deeper into my own thoughts.....becoming Oblivious to what's going on around me. The worse part is, I am still doing the drug, causing me to sink even further into debt. I was reminded today how smoking a couple of times a day kept the diabetes away. For some reason as long as I smoked my blood sugar was good, blood pressure horrible but ehh you take the good with the bad. I've started to get shin sores again and I'm almost certain this blah, exhausted feeling is a result of bad blood sugar since I am only smoking an eighth of what I normally would. But due to the fact I don't have insurance I am unable to verify any of this. My girlfriend and I have just resorted to living among one another in silence mostly. I know this could be much much worse. I could be sitting in a little jail cell being forced to do this, their way. So I am trying to remember to also count my blessings. It's just, I knew this would be hard, but I'm beginning to doubt myself. Am I really strong enough to make this huge life change, at my age? Only time will tell and for now I will continue to take it one day at a time...that's the best I can offer.